I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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