I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
