Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
