either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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