a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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