he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
