im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
