If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
