Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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