Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
