Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
