we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
