There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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