You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she smelled like a LAN party
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
