she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
