Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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