I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
