I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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