theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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