I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
