you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
