please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
