hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
