Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
