Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
