so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
