Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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