Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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