I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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