Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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