Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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