Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
