She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
