I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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