The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
