Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
