I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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