i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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