from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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