I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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