What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Randomize
