If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
