I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
