Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
