i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
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this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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