He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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