I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Houston, we have a squirter
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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