Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
