I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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