There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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