I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
3pm strippers are depressing
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
