She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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