At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
