Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
