My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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