he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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